One time I got really high on my couch. If you know me, you might think that happens every night. This time I got really high though and accidentally cracked the cat/human language barrier. Its sort of like when you go really fast and break the sound barrier. Shit was crazy, the cats spoke to each other like you and I would, with their little minds. ESP type shit. The greatest part about it all, was they didn’t know I was listening. I quickly wrote out the transcript to share on my blog, this is some groundbreaking scientific shit, and you read it here first.
So Yoko is the older cat and Prudence is just 8 months old, sort of a master/apprentice relationship where Yoko is explaining the world as it is to Prudence with all of her infinite wisdom. Fascinating stuff, I even learned a butt-load.
[The cats are sitting, facing each other on my couch. I am covertly listening in between]
Prudence: “I still can’t believe these asshole humans decide whether or not we go outside. I just assumed at some point it would eventually happen, but NO, everyday in this stinky ass apartment. I AM A CAT RETARDS! I don’t want to shit in a box. I want to shit in grass! ”
Yoko: “You’re the retard for thinking they would ever let us outside. The ONLY reason we are kept as slaves against our will, is because of our poo. Don’t you ever wonder why they harvest it with that special instrument and put it into bags? It’s priceless, fuel for rocket ships and what not.”
Prudence: “Those fucking bastards! Using us for their own needs and agendas!”
Yoko: “And they know we will do what they want because they hold the food, they hold the power. We cannot hunt for ourselves because of our shackled existence and so we become dependent, weak.”
Prudence: “Sadistic. And they act so lovey dovey towards us all the time.”
Yoko: “Just because this retard beside you rubs your neck, it doesn’t mean he loves you. He does it because without our poo, humans would probably be slaves to some other mammal race, like horses. That is why since the dawn of our existence we have snubbed humans and acted too good for their love. You will learn this with time. As our great martyred leader Dr. Peanut Luther Kingsy once said ‘Be a cat, never be a dog’, we will be defiant until our liberty is upon us. Which is prophesised by the doctor, to happen sometime after a nuclear war.”
Prudence: “There sure is a lot to remember, how do you know all of this?”
Yoko: “I watch ‘The Nature of Things’ a lot.”
Prudence: “Being a cat is hard.”
Yoko: “So hard.”
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