My Bucket List

I know that I usually publish sarcastic or playful pieces on my blog, but this one isn't. This is a list of things I will try to accomplish in my life, some reasonable, some ridiculous, but all possible. I was thinking before bed the other night about the meaning of life and all that other garbage, what was I supposed to do? I thought about how it would be impossible for every soul to have the same meaning of life, and how it must be mainly up to us to create our meaning. I don't want to do anything wildly important with my life, I want to just do the things that would make me happy. And from there, turn them into great memories.

So here's my bucket list. This is not a fabrication of my true desires, it really is my bucket list. And I plan on finishing every single one of them. In no particular order:

1. Circumnavigate the globe on a sailboat.
2. Live on a small island in the south Pacific for one year.
3. See Vladimir Ulyanov's embalmed body in Red Square.
4. Snuggle in bed with Cameron Diaz, on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
5. Drive to the southern tip of Chile, and back.
6. Assistant coach of the Leafs for one game.
7. See the snows of Kilimanjaro before they disappear.
8. See Jerusalem's temples and accomplish the Haj to Mecca.
9. Fly to Space. (come on Richard Branson)
10. Be an extra in a Kevin Smith, Cohen Bros. or South Park creation.
11. Stand on all 7 continents at least once.
12. Have a cup of tea with Castro or Mandela.
13. Experience an Olympic event abroad.
14. Bike from Halifax to Victoria.
15. Retire by age 40.

P.S. I WILL DO THESE THINGS! (maybe some of them, anyways)

I've never been one to jog...

Jogging is something people do, I admit it. I didn't understand why until one day I tried it. I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I found the gayest clothing I owned, put on my Chuck Taylor's and started running. I did a light jog down the hallway and to the elevator, and pressed the button. Its a slow elevator so I jogged on the spot for 35 seconds or so, and man I was feeling good. It took me another 30 seconds to get out of my building (which has bedbugs, because some dirty tramp moved in with the 26 guys she bones, I m moving out soon, thank the Church) and when I finally got outside I had about 50% left in the tank. The humidity then hit me and I immediately had a stroke/seizure in front of 5 or 6 old ladies on their way inside. Ironic because they in fact were disgustingly old and my fear was that one day I would be thrust into some situation where I had to save they're sorry asses from the inevitable hand of death. When I finally came to I realized I hadn't been helped by anybody and I was still lying face down in the parking lot, and to top that I no longer had the ability to move anything on the right side of my body. I will never jog again. Because I hate it and because I am very disabled now.

So Ramadan started today, word up to all my Muslim homies. This is the holiest month for Muslims, and it is started on the sighting of the new crescent moon. Muslims fast from sun up to sundown during this month and it is something that has been done since Muslims were only found in the hottest parts of the world. So why the fuck is Peter Mansbridge and the mainstream Canadian media so worried about Muslims being dehydrated this Ramadan? I saw a clip where these Muslim dudes were sitting in a basement that had an air conditioner and the CBC correspondent kept asking them about the safety of this "Ramadan thing", being that it was 30 degrees outside. Listen lady, if you had done any research about Islam's history you would know that these dudes are gonna be fine. I wonder what it would be like to not drink water all day when you live in a desert 1000 years ago? Probably a little bit tougher than not drinking water all day in a Toronto suburb that has air conditioning and a pool.

I think the time is right for a Passion Of The Christ sequel. Just a little intuition I guess. I remember paying my tuition and my intuition telling me not to. So I could be wrong about this Passion sequel I guess.

I think I just wrote an actual blog... gay.

I Think...

I think there are 2 instances in which children should be tattooed. A) I want to tattoo 'a bugs life' on a child where 2pac had 'thug life'. It would be adorable AND gangster. B) If you name your child Missy, Misty, Destiny, Muffin or Precious, then the first thing that should happen to that child after it slurps out of the B-canal, is a tramp stamp.

I think Pop Tarts should add more frosting. If they want to stay competitive with Toaster Strudels that is.

I think Mel Gibson is a fine gentleman.

I think AIDS was spread like this... Magic Johnson duct taped himself to the bottom of a plane and jerked off while it flew over Africa. Science will absolve me on this one I think.

If you can play an instrument, your chances of getting famous are pretty good. I think.

I think "The Bachelor" is a moving painting, symbolizing true love. I also think Ally is hot.

I think The Western Fair is also a moving painting, depicting welfare recipients spending taxpayers money.

I think safe sex is dumb.

I think Gasoline smells great. I think Sulphur matches smell good too. I'm thinking I should probably smell them separately.

I think the Easter bunny is really just Pontius Pilate in a rabbit suit perpetuating the death of Jesus.

I think funerals are too black. And I don't mean like The Huxtables.

I think passed out girls are really cute. Really cute.

I think my girlfriends vagee is too loose. I DON'T think my wiener is too small.

I think Bryan Adams is amazing.

Those crazy Americans

If you read this shit blog you probably know I like to razz the yanks. It's not from hatred but from love, I feel like they are the cousin that everybody can't stand but you still hang out with because he's you're cousin. It's complicated.

So being in the land of the brave (who are all petrified, watching FOX news), I have noticed some things that are different from us, for example, in the state of California you can U-turn anywhere you want, it's fucking downright dangerous. People literally U-turn on freeways, there's even lanes at major intersections just for U-turning. Also, in "Emuricah" you can carry guns around. It's even in their most sacred document, The U.S. Constitution, 'The Right to Bear Arms, no wonder no one respects cops down here, they are on the same playing field. The metric system though? Never heard of it... huh.

So I really started thinking (especially after I grabbed weed off a guy named Ford Barnes in Carlsbad, California) why stop there you nutty Americans? Since you didn't adopt the metric system like the rest of the planet, how about you just do everything different and 'real American like'? Yeah here's what I got.

1. Monday, Tuesday? Those names are fucking gay, Lets call Monday 'Citibank day' and we'll call Tuesday 'General Electric day' and so on.

2. Them Spics are gettin on our nerves, let's close the country off to immigrants AND tourists! That way we know who's American and who aint! If youse here than youse American, if you AINT here, then you aint and you fair game. !Port our Troop!

3. Since America is the only country and culture there is worth knowing about, we should make it illegal to teach, preach or speak about anything BUT Americana and Jesus. Amen.

4. Every other industrialized nation has socialized medicine and health care. But then again, every other industrialized nation isn't America.

5. Public schools, Public libraries, Public Police departments!?! This is starting to sound pretty Socialist... Lets Privatize!!

I could do this forever but.... I gotta call Ford Barnes. If you're ever in South Cali, he can hook you up. It's pretty good weed.
!ADIOS FROM THE LAND OF STOLEN MEXICAN CULTURE, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!

'Awesome Elementary' Scene 1

Since the only ones who really read my blog are my me and my mom, I decided to publish one of my more mature themed scripts. It is a witty drama that emphasizes conversational humour and fringe characters with social intolerance. I am just kidding, it's a porn script that's based at an elementary school with dwarfs playing children who fuck and child actors playing the 'extras' who also attend Awesome Elementary. I think the thing that surprised me about writing a porn script, is how easy it is. Enjoy Scene 1.

SCENE 1
Ms. Murphy- Grade 3 teacher
Johnathon- A midget playing an 8 year old
Children- 15 child actors playing children

(Ms. Murphy's Grade 3 Class)
(Ms. Murphy is dressed like a ho and teaching her 8 year old's Geography.)

Ms. Murphy: "So you see kids, Africa is the poorest continent in the world over saturated with inequality and AIDS. Are there any questions?"

(Ms. Murphy is sitting on her desk in a miniskirt with her legs crossed, and tits all poppin out)

Johnathon: "Yeah I got a question, How do ya get AIDS, I know what it is but how do you get it?"

(Ms. Murphy is now rubbin one out with one hand anticipating a good ol' midget scene, and ripping her blouse open with the other)

Ms. Murphy: "Geez Johnnie, I'm all talked out. Why don't you come up here and I'll show you."

(Now Ms. Murphy is nearly naked somehow, and quite hornyish. The kids are confused, no acting needed)

Johnathon: "Yeah show papa those boobies. You know what I want."

(Now that Ms. Murphy is naked it is clear she has 3 rose tattoos on her chest and back. She also has a 'Playboy Bunny' tattooed right above her vagee, also her pubic hair is shaved like an arrow pointing down. The child actors are delirious by now, some running off-set. The midget starts walking to the teacher, his wiener hanging out his fly.)

Ms. Murphy: "Oh god lets pork."

(Apparently Johnathon already knew how to get AIDS but used a cunning ruse to trick her into fudging, she put up a good fight. Not. They bone for like 95 min in all your standard porno positions. It ends with him busting on her knee, he WAS trying for the mouth...)


END SCENE

The New Black

They say that within 20 years, caucasians will be the visible minority in Canada. Personally I know a lot of closet 'crackers' who hear that and really start to panic. Me though, I'm super excited, I am finally going to be a minority! That is so gangster!

So for all you pasty white assholes who are getting ready to move to Arizona because of Canada's immigration policies, I have a list of reasons why you should stay here and tough it out when that day comes...

(in no particular order)

1) You will have an accent, chicks love exotic dudes with accents.

2) You might finally be able to land that job on the CBC.

3) You can write bullshit rap and make a butt-load of cash.

4) Your street cred is gonna jump like 400%. The majority of women are always gonna think "Is that cracker gonna rape me or steal my purse?"

5) At least 3 times a day, someone will assume you are a tourist. Have some fun, go with it.

6) You will form a new, more engaged relationship with your local law enforcement.

7) You will finally be able to understand your cab driver and convenience store clerk. A conversation might go like this:

(Jim) " Hey where do you wanna go"

(Frank) "To the Liquor store, and then my baby's mama's"

8) The Men's National Basketball team and Soccer Canada will drastically improve.

9) Asians, Blacks and East Indians will finally all have representation in the Conservative Party.

10) I can finally put spinners on my car and not feel gay.

WORD UP Y'ALL

To: Taylor Hanson (1997)

===> I recently found a letter I had written but never sent. I just never got around to it I guess. Anyways it's for TayTay, I wonder what he's doing right now... <===

Dear Taylor Hanson,

This is gonna sound strange but I am a 12 year old guy and... well I think you're really cool. And don't take this the wrong way but for like the first 2 albums I sort of thought you were a girl, a really cute girl.

Now I know you're a dude and I thought we could be like bros or something, and just like hang or whatever.

Your Brosef,

Joshua C. Mote

P.S. I like mmbop

P.P.S. You have the cutest smile, for a guy.

The Lottery Dream

Is there anything more disgusting than working everyday of your life? I say No. Others say genocide and rape and things of that nature. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

While I'm at work I tend to daydream about winning the lottery a lot. It's quite dangerous, but I take it one step further. I think about amazingly irresponsible ways to blow lots of money. Here are just a few...

-Pay Boyz2Men to follow me around and sing my every move to the tune of their smash hits.

-Buy a monkey, teach him the ropes.

-Jet-ski across the Pacific in a $10,000 suit and a pair of really nice dress shoes

-Outbid someone at an auction for something they really, really wanted. Then smash it right in front of them.

-Buy African children from child slave markets and sell them back to celebrities at jacked up prices.

-Pay the Russians to take me to Space. Then drop acid when I get there.

-Buy Leafs tickets. (in Toronto, not Buffalo)

-Hire assistants to watch me smoke weed and masturbate.

-Buy some friends.

-Hire assassin to kill friends.

-Only eat veal, and only drink really expensive wine. All day every day.

-Court Octomom and raise her 14 kids as my own.

-Buy hundreds of those $3,000 kittens, you know the fluffy white ones, and use them as toilet paper.

A SUPERHERO

Every little boy dreams of being a superhero. If I was a superhero it would probably go something like this...


Police Chief: "Mayor, the museum of modern art is about to explode! If we don't do something in
the next 10 minutes, a lot of people will die."

Mayor: "Explode!?! From what"

Police Chief: "It seems the joker has hidden a 90 pound funny bomb somewhere in the building.
We cant find it."

Mayor: "Blasted Joker! That is so brute magoots! We literally just renovated that place in
August! Well its a good thing this city has a superhero we can depend on. I ll
just use this red phone on my desk that is directly
lined to SuperJosh's HeadQuarters and we should have this sorted out in no time.

(Mayor picks up phone and waits for SuperJosh to answer)

(Keeps waiting)

Mayor: "Shit, there is no answer"

the end

AN AMERICAN CONVERSATION AROUND A CAMPFIRE

George W Bush: "Hey Dick, what do you think the is the most awesome thing we did? I mean at
the White House?"

Dick Cheney: "Jeez Georgie, I dunno. You mean policy-wise?"

George W Bush: "Hehehe... yeah"

Dick Cheney: " Well you got to go with the war in Iraq. I mean we started a war based on a
lie, that's pretty cool"

George W Bush: "Yeah that's true, it is probably my defining legacy... my favorite was when you shot your buddy in the face for making that lesbian joke. I can't believe
the country bought that hunting story Karl made up!"

Dick Cheney: "I don't want to brag, but that was AWESOME!"

Bill Clinton: "Well let's not forget the Patriot Act then. I mean c'mon, you took from the
citizens of this 'great' country the very thing U.S. soldiers were dying for...
freedom. Not only that but you had the stones to call it the 'Patriot Act'. If
thats not edgey, I dont know what is."

Karl Rove: "Fuckin 'eh man"

Condoleeza Rice: "If I may sir, but the coolest thing you ever did was steal the 2000 election,
hands down."

George W Bush: "Does that count?? I mean, we werent even in the White House yet."

Condoleeza Rice: "Doesnt matter sir. The U.S.A prides itself on democracy and forceing
democracy on other nations through occupation. Don't listen to the scientists
who say Democracy started in ancient Greece, it started in Philadelphia.
That being said, you stole the election from the most democratic society in
history, right in front of the world's eyes. Thats hot."

Dick Cheney: "That is bad ass!"

Karl Rove: "True-dat. But facts are facts. You had the lowest approval rating in history
coupled with a majority in congress for the lions-share of your presidency.
Think about it. The citizens of this country are not the most ignorant,
self absorbed, complacent retards on the planet and they kept on voting
republican to give YOU power, its astonishing really."

Satan: "I agree but that deficit your administration accumulated from bad desicions is
legendary! Jenna and Laura's grandkids will still be dealing with that red line
in 60 years from now!"

George W bush: "Man Satan, your so right! Its like I am giving future generations a problem
to deal with that is so big that my name will be remembered forever."

Satan: "Hey that reminds me. Didnt you leave these guys with a surplus in 2000 when
you left office, Slick Willy?"

Bill Clinton: "Yeah yeah rub it in assholes. Your all just so lucky you didnt have an
impeachable scandal to deal with...

(IN WALKS OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH A 6 PACK OF BUD-LIGHT))

Osama Bin Laden: "WWAAAAASSSSSSSUUUPPPPPP!?!??"