I fudging hate Dana White, if you don’t know who that is you’re lying. He’s that smut peddling cue ball who brought your kids and probably you, your favourite crap ever, UFC fighting. It’s that lame excuse for testosterone that takes place in the octagon of homosexuality where dudes in booty shorts role around in bodily fluids trying to apply leg locks, super weak and sort of erotic. Sometimes they punch each other in the nose for a bit and every douche bag in the stands goes wild and they all cheer, and someone told me THAT is what MMA is all about. Hmm, “So why don’t you just watch boxing or Cspan then“, I ask him. He’s about to answer the question but changes his train of thought suddenly and shouts “Oh shit, George St. Pierre has him in the male missionary leg lock!” This my friends is what is wrong with our society, our insatiable thirst for violence and the even scarier trend, dudes in booty shorts.
Fuck it, let’s bring it back. Coliseums full of rowdy drunk commoners needing to see blood and victory, swords and limbs hacked off in piles by the lions. That’s who we are and we love it. My bold statement is this, If we brought back gladiator fighting to the death, for all the masses to salivate over, we would not feel the need to kill each other in alleys or on battlefields and we sure as shit wouldn’t need to keep watching that pay-per-vomit UFC junk. Check it out, we get death-row inmates to “voluntarily” sign up for a training program loosely based on the one Russell Crow does in ‘Gladiator’ and we make them fight to the death once a month in Vegas or Detroit. All the weapons available two thousand years ago would be available to our trained rapists and murders (and by ‘our’ I mean, our American friends who would feed it to us through Global or CityTV) and we would surely line the outskirts of the fight with ravenous lions! That would satisfy the race fans who just watch to see accidents, the people who watch ‘Jackass’ movies, WWE fans, so basically every R-tard with a remote who hasn’t read a book since Andre the Giant was the champ. Not only that, murderers and rapists know from the start ‘hey if I rape and kill this chick, that 300 pound black dude from the Green Mile is gonna stick a sword into my stomach in front of 20,000 people at Joe Louis Arena’.
We have come along way since the Romans ruled the known world, Politicians were crooked and slutty, conquest and war was frequent and incomprehensible, there were few rich and many poor… Well maybe we haven’t come that far. I know for sure we need violence to entertain us just like then because as humans, we know nothing else. Competition is out shtick and the strong always survive longer, so we turn our intermittent attention spans to organized violence like UFC or Afghanistan to keep our primal passion civil. See to me, the global conflicts, the rape, gang killing, and GSP fights can all stop because nothing says unified in glory for the future like a good old fashioned disembowelment in front of the children.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Balack Obama
Well the last three months has been an absolute whirlwind of marinated media and cheesy sixties slogans, tasteless politics and graceful politics, oh the American Presidential elections. We saw history unravel in front of our eyes as the son of a Kenyan defeated his republican counterpart, a six hundred year old senator and was elected to the highest office in the most powerful country in the free world. The event instantly brought change to a stale nation and simultaneously changed the way the world viewed them as they made a statement with a true sign of the people’s will. But why do I care, I mean I am but a WHITE Canadian male right? What could possibly drive someone like me to care about this Barack hoopla other than the obvious foreign policy reasons? Because he’s black that’s why. And not only is he black, but he can organize the most unprecedented campaign in modern history and cross you over and drain a jump shot while you whence on the gym floor in pain and then , that‘s why.
So I was rummaging around in my dads basement closet where the real gems are hidden looking for his old Black Panthers leather vest and the weirdest thing happened, I couldn’t find it. Turns out, in the times of the Jack Kennedy’s and the El-Hajj Malik El-Shabbaz’s, the feeling of unified elevation was hardly a reality. We had our first Irish President and his little brother, and they had their fiery intellectual leaders and everything was ‘revolutionary’ and meaningful on two fronts. Sure there were the few who had like minds and wanted the exact same things, and I don’t want to generalize but, they wanted us to treat them like humans and we wanted Vietnam to stop… very simply put. Looking back some forty years later the two issues can sometimes merge into one collective description of the ‘revolutionary sixties’ and maybe for the better, but today’s ‘revolution’ is much different. On November Fourth 2008, America (53% of them, not so many as you might think, huh) came together as one to cast a ballot for change and proved the power still lays in the hands of the people. Although Blacks, Asians, Latinos and Whites unified and consciously made a statement by voting the most eligible candidate to office, is this one celebration we could never possibly understand? It’s hard to believe my cracker friends but yes, we will never truly understand how good this one actually feels.
It’s so cliché, ‘the first black president’ and that IS amazing but what does that mean to you and I? Well if I am white, it means I truly believe this is a great thing to see and I am proud of my neighbours to the south by not only electing the first black president, but electing the most eligible candidate this time, awesome. But if you are black, this is truly the most inspirational thing to ever happen while you walk this earth and that’s the truth. You may say, “you are being so narrow-minded, this is all of our triumph! You racist!”, first of all if you are not an American citizen, you didn’t do shit so shut up. You merely watched on CNN and hoped like the rest of us that Barack would get elected, and that’s it. Now, if you are a white American citizen you also did shit so you should also shut up, and I‘ll explain. For four hundred years excluding the last thirty years or so, you have had every single advantage possible over minorities and especially African-Americans, and even now you hold ninety-five percent of all advantages in the ‘Land of Opportunity‘. On my omnipotent television I see white people everywhere rejoicing in their self appointed greatness, yelling “We are amazing, we changed the world, YES WE CAN! U.S.A! U.S.A!” and it really grinds my gears. Sure Blacks only make up thirteen percent of the American population and obviously white people voted for him as well but shit! You (white Americans) merely threw a hungry, deserving dog his bone, and it only happened because the last eight years they had the most incompetent douche bag in Presidential history running the show. I am not just talking about American Presidential system history, I’m talking about all Presidential system history. Presidents of country clubs, of PTA’s, of auto companies, fucking everything. Oh yeah, and he was white.
Yes this is a huge triumph, yes Barack is a worthy candidate but slow down white America and let them have their moment , this is just one thing we cant fully have or understand. This is the Black revolution and they earned it. No more Bruce Springsteen endorsements now it’s Beyonce endorsements, times are a changing, and just in time for Black History month. So when I tell my kids about it and say I remember it, I was ‘there’ for it, I could never truly be where they were cause it meant so much more to them.
So I was rummaging around in my dads basement closet where the real gems are hidden looking for his old Black Panthers leather vest and the weirdest thing happened, I couldn’t find it. Turns out, in the times of the Jack Kennedy’s and the El-Hajj Malik El-Shabbaz’s, the feeling of unified elevation was hardly a reality. We had our first Irish President and his little brother, and they had their fiery intellectual leaders and everything was ‘revolutionary’ and meaningful on two fronts. Sure there were the few who had like minds and wanted the exact same things, and I don’t want to generalize but, they wanted us to treat them like humans and we wanted Vietnam to stop… very simply put. Looking back some forty years later the two issues can sometimes merge into one collective description of the ‘revolutionary sixties’ and maybe for the better, but today’s ‘revolution’ is much different. On November Fourth 2008, America (53% of them, not so many as you might think, huh) came together as one to cast a ballot for change and proved the power still lays in the hands of the people. Although Blacks, Asians, Latinos and Whites unified and consciously made a statement by voting the most eligible candidate to office, is this one celebration we could never possibly understand? It’s hard to believe my cracker friends but yes, we will never truly understand how good this one actually feels.
It’s so cliché, ‘the first black president’ and that IS amazing but what does that mean to you and I? Well if I am white, it means I truly believe this is a great thing to see and I am proud of my neighbours to the south by not only electing the first black president, but electing the most eligible candidate this time, awesome. But if you are black, this is truly the most inspirational thing to ever happen while you walk this earth and that’s the truth. You may say, “you are being so narrow-minded, this is all of our triumph! You racist!”, first of all if you are not an American citizen, you didn’t do shit so shut up. You merely watched on CNN and hoped like the rest of us that Barack would get elected, and that’s it. Now, if you are a white American citizen you also did shit so you should also shut up, and I‘ll explain. For four hundred years excluding the last thirty years or so, you have had every single advantage possible over minorities and especially African-Americans, and even now you hold ninety-five percent of all advantages in the ‘Land of Opportunity‘. On my omnipotent television I see white people everywhere rejoicing in their self appointed greatness, yelling “We are amazing, we changed the world, YES WE CAN! U.S.A! U.S.A!” and it really grinds my gears. Sure Blacks only make up thirteen percent of the American population and obviously white people voted for him as well but shit! You (white Americans) merely threw a hungry, deserving dog his bone, and it only happened because the last eight years they had the most incompetent douche bag in Presidential history running the show. I am not just talking about American Presidential system history, I’m talking about all Presidential system history. Presidents of country clubs, of PTA’s, of auto companies, fucking everything. Oh yeah, and he was white.
Yes this is a huge triumph, yes Barack is a worthy candidate but slow down white America and let them have their moment , this is just one thing we cant fully have or understand. This is the Black revolution and they earned it. No more Bruce Springsteen endorsements now it’s Beyonce endorsements, times are a changing, and just in time for Black History month. So when I tell my kids about it and say I remember it, I was ‘there’ for it, I could never truly be where they were cause it meant so much more to them.
Friday, January 23, 2009
When I'm Sixty-Four
When Sir James Paul wrote the lyrics to arguably his most identifiable song, he envisioned what it might be like in those golden years we all work five decades to enjoy. Growing old with his soul mate (clearly not Heather Mills), losing hair and having snot nosed rug rats on his arthritic knees, what could be more divine? What could be more wonderful? Well apparently a whole lot more.
I was brought up to be respectful and courteous, especially to my elders. I always held doors open, I always used the word ‘sir’ and I always told my grandma I liked the sweater she got me, well not anymore. I have had it. Old people better keep their heads up and brooches on tight cause that door is gonna smack you in the dentures next time I m leaving the bank. So are you wondering what is this vendetta I have with the silver haired punks runnin around causin a muck?? A firm lack of respect.
Respect is mutual and it is the fibre that has upheld our ignorant societies since someone put a frame around a cave painting. It has kept raging armies at a distance, nuclear bombs from exploding over our heads from about 1960-1990 and won Ms. Aretha Franklin two Grammy’s in 1968, so why do we forget about it when we are old? For an age demographic that demands it every time you walk past them with an iPod in your ears, they seem to forget that mutual part.
I understand their argument “I m old, my legs hurt” or “World War One was strenuous”, but I want to know what the hell that has to do with blindly merging with traffic and grunting at cashiers in ANY establishment on earth. Seriously, have you ever been standing in line at a store and an old lady just walks in front of you like you weren’t even there? And then she gets to the register and bitch’s for 10 minutes about the chill she caught in the frozen food section AND then counts out $36.87 in nickels? It happened to me two days ago at Price Chopper! That’s border line heroin junkie, it makes me vomit and it needs to stop. (Seriously if a heroin junkie did what I just described, I would fight him and so would you)
This case of entitlement Betty White and her cronies feel they deserve is a complete pile of Depends, just because you are old it doesn’t make it acceptable to treat age subordinates as well, subordinates. Our civilization (not a Sid Meier’s reference) needs to be stoked with a healthy dose of uneasy ‘hello’s and forced smiles to be cordial, because we are better than that... and there s only enough space for one Toronto after all. And lets be serious anyways, entitlement is like the Canadian Pension Plan, it won’t be there when we’re sixty-four.
So this is my personal perspective and I am not afraid to say it anymore, old people stink. They can’t drive, the colors they wear are hazardous to passing motorists and they’re over simplistic look on life should be a speech bubble in a Norman Rockwell picture. I am done with them. Well almost done...GRANDMA: I’m gonna need that receipt next Christmas, your sweaters suck!
I was brought up to be respectful and courteous, especially to my elders. I always held doors open, I always used the word ‘sir’ and I always told my grandma I liked the sweater she got me, well not anymore. I have had it. Old people better keep their heads up and brooches on tight cause that door is gonna smack you in the dentures next time I m leaving the bank. So are you wondering what is this vendetta I have with the silver haired punks runnin around causin a muck?? A firm lack of respect.
Respect is mutual and it is the fibre that has upheld our ignorant societies since someone put a frame around a cave painting. It has kept raging armies at a distance, nuclear bombs from exploding over our heads from about 1960-1990 and won Ms. Aretha Franklin two Grammy’s in 1968, so why do we forget about it when we are old? For an age demographic that demands it every time you walk past them with an iPod in your ears, they seem to forget that mutual part.
I understand their argument “I m old, my legs hurt” or “World War One was strenuous”, but I want to know what the hell that has to do with blindly merging with traffic and grunting at cashiers in ANY establishment on earth. Seriously, have you ever been standing in line at a store and an old lady just walks in front of you like you weren’t even there? And then she gets to the register and bitch’s for 10 minutes about the chill she caught in the frozen food section AND then counts out $36.87 in nickels? It happened to me two days ago at Price Chopper! That’s border line heroin junkie, it makes me vomit and it needs to stop. (Seriously if a heroin junkie did what I just described, I would fight him and so would you)
This case of entitlement Betty White and her cronies feel they deserve is a complete pile of Depends, just because you are old it doesn’t make it acceptable to treat age subordinates as well, subordinates. Our civilization (not a Sid Meier’s reference) needs to be stoked with a healthy dose of uneasy ‘hello’s and forced smiles to be cordial, because we are better than that... and there s only enough space for one Toronto after all. And lets be serious anyways, entitlement is like the Canadian Pension Plan, it won’t be there when we’re sixty-four.
So this is my personal perspective and I am not afraid to say it anymore, old people stink. They can’t drive, the colors they wear are hazardous to passing motorists and they’re over simplistic look on life should be a speech bubble in a Norman Rockwell picture. I am done with them. Well almost done...GRANDMA: I’m gonna need that receipt next Christmas, your sweaters suck!
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