My Bucket List

I know that I usually publish sarcastic or playful pieces on my blog, but this one isn't. This is a list of things I will try to accomplish in my life, some reasonable, some ridiculous, but all possible. I was thinking before bed the other night about the meaning of life and all that other garbage, what was I supposed to do? I thought about how it would be impossible for every soul to have the same meaning of life, and how it must be mainly up to us to create our meaning. I don't want to do anything wildly important with my life, I want to just do the things that would make me happy. And from there, turn them into great memories.

So here's my bucket list. This is not a fabrication of my true desires, it really is my bucket list. And I plan on finishing every single one of them. In no particular order:

1. Circumnavigate the globe on a sailboat.
2. Live on a small island in the south Pacific for one year.
3. See Vladimir Ulyanov's embalmed body in Red Square.
4. Snuggle in bed with Cameron Diaz, on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
5. Drive to the southern tip of Chile, and back.
6. Assistant coach of the Leafs for one game.
7. See the snows of Kilimanjaro before they disappear.
8. See Jerusalem's temples and accomplish the Haj to Mecca.
9. Fly to Space. (come on Richard Branson)
10. Be an extra in a Kevin Smith, Cohen Bros. or South Park creation.
11. Stand on all 7 continents at least once.
12. Have a cup of tea with Castro or Mandela.
13. Experience an Olympic event abroad.
14. Bike from Halifax to Victoria.
15. Retire by age 40.

P.S. I WILL DO THESE THINGS! (maybe some of them, anyways)

I've never been one to jog...

Jogging is something people do, I admit it. I didn't understand why until one day I tried it. I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I found the gayest clothing I owned, put on my Chuck Taylor's and started running. I did a light jog down the hallway and to the elevator, and pressed the button. Its a slow elevator so I jogged on the spot for 35 seconds or so, and man I was feeling good. It took me another 30 seconds to get out of my building (which has bedbugs, because some dirty tramp moved in with the 26 guys she bones, I m moving out soon, thank the Church) and when I finally got outside I had about 50% left in the tank. The humidity then hit me and I immediately had a stroke/seizure in front of 5 or 6 old ladies on their way inside. Ironic because they in fact were disgustingly old and my fear was that one day I would be thrust into some situation where I had to save they're sorry asses from the inevitable hand of death. When I finally came to I realized I hadn't been helped by anybody and I was still lying face down in the parking lot, and to top that I no longer had the ability to move anything on the right side of my body. I will never jog again. Because I hate it and because I am very disabled now.

So Ramadan started today, word up to all my Muslim homies. This is the holiest month for Muslims, and it is started on the sighting of the new crescent moon. Muslims fast from sun up to sundown during this month and it is something that has been done since Muslims were only found in the hottest parts of the world. So why the fuck is Peter Mansbridge and the mainstream Canadian media so worried about Muslims being dehydrated this Ramadan? I saw a clip where these Muslim dudes were sitting in a basement that had an air conditioner and the CBC correspondent kept asking them about the safety of this "Ramadan thing", being that it was 30 degrees outside. Listen lady, if you had done any research about Islam's history you would know that these dudes are gonna be fine. I wonder what it would be like to not drink water all day when you live in a desert 1000 years ago? Probably a little bit tougher than not drinking water all day in a Toronto suburb that has air conditioning and a pool.

I think the time is right for a Passion Of The Christ sequel. Just a little intuition I guess. I remember paying my tuition and my intuition telling me not to. So I could be wrong about this Passion sequel I guess.

I think I just wrote an actual blog... gay.

I Think...

I think there are 2 instances in which children should be tattooed. A) I want to tattoo 'a bugs life' on a child where 2pac had 'thug life'. It would be adorable AND gangster. B) If you name your child Missy, Misty, Destiny, Muffin or Precious, then the first thing that should happen to that child after it slurps out of the B-canal, is a tramp stamp.

I think Pop Tarts should add more frosting. If they want to stay competitive with Toaster Strudels that is.

I think Mel Gibson is a fine gentleman.

I think AIDS was spread like this... Magic Johnson duct taped himself to the bottom of a plane and jerked off while it flew over Africa. Science will absolve me on this one I think.

If you can play an instrument, your chances of getting famous are pretty good. I think.

I think "The Bachelor" is a moving painting, symbolizing true love. I also think Ally is hot.

I think The Western Fair is also a moving painting, depicting welfare recipients spending taxpayers money.

I think safe sex is dumb.

I think Gasoline smells great. I think Sulphur matches smell good too. I'm thinking I should probably smell them separately.

I think the Easter bunny is really just Pontius Pilate in a rabbit suit perpetuating the death of Jesus.

I think funerals are too black. And I don't mean like The Huxtables.

I think passed out girls are really cute. Really cute.

I think my girlfriends vagee is too loose. I DON'T think my wiener is too small.

I think Bryan Adams is amazing.