'Awesome Elementary' Scene 1

Since the only ones who really read my blog are my me and my mom, I decided to publish one of my more mature themed scripts. It is a witty drama that emphasizes conversational humour and fringe characters with social intolerance. I am just kidding, it's a porn script that's based at an elementary school with dwarfs playing children who fuck and child actors playing the 'extras' who also attend Awesome Elementary. I think the thing that surprised me about writing a porn script, is how easy it is. Enjoy Scene 1.

SCENE 1
Ms. Murphy- Grade 3 teacher
Johnathon- A midget playing an 8 year old
Children- 15 child actors playing children

(Ms. Murphy's Grade 3 Class)
(Ms. Murphy is dressed like a ho and teaching her 8 year old's Geography.)

Ms. Murphy: "So you see kids, Africa is the poorest continent in the world over saturated with inequality and AIDS. Are there any questions?"

(Ms. Murphy is sitting on her desk in a miniskirt with her legs crossed, and tits all poppin out)

Johnathon: "Yeah I got a question, How do ya get AIDS, I know what it is but how do you get it?"

(Ms. Murphy is now rubbin one out with one hand anticipating a good ol' midget scene, and ripping her blouse open with the other)

Ms. Murphy: "Geez Johnnie, I'm all talked out. Why don't you come up here and I'll show you."

(Now Ms. Murphy is nearly naked somehow, and quite hornyish. The kids are confused, no acting needed)

Johnathon: "Yeah show papa those boobies. You know what I want."

(Now that Ms. Murphy is naked it is clear she has 3 rose tattoos on her chest and back. She also has a 'Playboy Bunny' tattooed right above her vagee, also her pubic hair is shaved like an arrow pointing down. The child actors are delirious by now, some running off-set. The midget starts walking to the teacher, his wiener hanging out his fly.)

Ms. Murphy: "Oh god lets pork."

(Apparently Johnathon already knew how to get AIDS but used a cunning ruse to trick her into fudging, she put up a good fight. Not. They bone for like 95 min in all your standard porno positions. It ends with him busting on her knee, he WAS trying for the mouth...)


END SCENE

The New Black

They say that within 20 years, caucasians will be the visible minority in Canada. Personally I know a lot of closet 'crackers' who hear that and really start to panic. Me though, I'm super excited, I am finally going to be a minority! That is so gangster!

So for all you pasty white assholes who are getting ready to move to Arizona because of Canada's immigration policies, I have a list of reasons why you should stay here and tough it out when that day comes...

(in no particular order)

1) You will have an accent, chicks love exotic dudes with accents.

2) You might finally be able to land that job on the CBC.

3) You can write bullshit rap and make a butt-load of cash.

4) Your street cred is gonna jump like 400%. The majority of women are always gonna think "Is that cracker gonna rape me or steal my purse?"

5) At least 3 times a day, someone will assume you are a tourist. Have some fun, go with it.

6) You will form a new, more engaged relationship with your local law enforcement.

7) You will finally be able to understand your cab driver and convenience store clerk. A conversation might go like this:

(Jim) " Hey where do you wanna go"

(Frank) "To the Liquor store, and then my baby's mama's"

8) The Men's National Basketball team and Soccer Canada will drastically improve.

9) Asians, Blacks and East Indians will finally all have representation in the Conservative Party.

10) I can finally put spinners on my car and not feel gay.

WORD UP Y'ALL

To: Taylor Hanson (1997)

===> I recently found a letter I had written but never sent. I just never got around to it I guess. Anyways it's for TayTay, I wonder what he's doing right now... <===

Dear Taylor Hanson,

This is gonna sound strange but I am a 12 year old guy and... well I think you're really cool. And don't take this the wrong way but for like the first 2 albums I sort of thought you were a girl, a really cute girl.

Now I know you're a dude and I thought we could be like bros or something, and just like hang or whatever.

Your Brosef,

Joshua C. Mote

P.S. I like mmbop

P.P.S. You have the cutest smile, for a guy.

The Lottery Dream

Is there anything more disgusting than working everyday of your life? I say No. Others say genocide and rape and things of that nature. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

While I'm at work I tend to daydream about winning the lottery a lot. It's quite dangerous, but I take it one step further. I think about amazingly irresponsible ways to blow lots of money. Here are just a few...

-Pay Boyz2Men to follow me around and sing my every move to the tune of their smash hits.

-Buy a monkey, teach him the ropes.

-Jet-ski across the Pacific in a $10,000 suit and a pair of really nice dress shoes

-Outbid someone at an auction for something they really, really wanted. Then smash it right in front of them.

-Buy African children from child slave markets and sell them back to celebrities at jacked up prices.

-Pay the Russians to take me to Space. Then drop acid when I get there.

-Buy Leafs tickets. (in Toronto, not Buffalo)

-Hire assistants to watch me smoke weed and masturbate.

-Buy some friends.

-Hire assassin to kill friends.

-Only eat veal, and only drink really expensive wine. All day every day.

-Court Octomom and raise her 14 kids as my own.

-Buy hundreds of those $3,000 kittens, you know the fluffy white ones, and use them as toilet paper.

A SUPERHERO

Every little boy dreams of being a superhero. If I was a superhero it would probably go something like this...


Police Chief: "Mayor, the museum of modern art is about to explode! If we don't do something in
the next 10 minutes, a lot of people will die."

Mayor: "Explode!?! From what"

Police Chief: "It seems the joker has hidden a 90 pound funny bomb somewhere in the building.
We cant find it."

Mayor: "Blasted Joker! That is so brute magoots! We literally just renovated that place in
August! Well its a good thing this city has a superhero we can depend on. I ll
just use this red phone on my desk that is directly
lined to SuperJosh's HeadQuarters and we should have this sorted out in no time.

(Mayor picks up phone and waits for SuperJosh to answer)

(Keeps waiting)

Mayor: "Shit, there is no answer"

the end

AN AMERICAN CONVERSATION AROUND A CAMPFIRE

George W Bush: "Hey Dick, what do you think the is the most awesome thing we did? I mean at
the White House?"

Dick Cheney: "Jeez Georgie, I dunno. You mean policy-wise?"

George W Bush: "Hehehe... yeah"

Dick Cheney: " Well you got to go with the war in Iraq. I mean we started a war based on a
lie, that's pretty cool"

George W Bush: "Yeah that's true, it is probably my defining legacy... my favorite was when you shot your buddy in the face for making that lesbian joke. I can't believe
the country bought that hunting story Karl made up!"

Dick Cheney: "I don't want to brag, but that was AWESOME!"

Bill Clinton: "Well let's not forget the Patriot Act then. I mean c'mon, you took from the
citizens of this 'great' country the very thing U.S. soldiers were dying for...
freedom. Not only that but you had the stones to call it the 'Patriot Act'. If
thats not edgey, I dont know what is."

Karl Rove: "Fuckin 'eh man"

Condoleeza Rice: "If I may sir, but the coolest thing you ever did was steal the 2000 election,
hands down."

George W Bush: "Does that count?? I mean, we werent even in the White House yet."

Condoleeza Rice: "Doesnt matter sir. The U.S.A prides itself on democracy and forceing
democracy on other nations through occupation. Don't listen to the scientists
who say Democracy started in ancient Greece, it started in Philadelphia.
That being said, you stole the election from the most democratic society in
history, right in front of the world's eyes. Thats hot."

Dick Cheney: "That is bad ass!"

Karl Rove: "True-dat. But facts are facts. You had the lowest approval rating in history
coupled with a majority in congress for the lions-share of your presidency.
Think about it. The citizens of this country are not the most ignorant,
self absorbed, complacent retards on the planet and they kept on voting
republican to give YOU power, its astonishing really."

Satan: "I agree but that deficit your administration accumulated from bad desicions is
legendary! Jenna and Laura's grandkids will still be dealing with that red line
in 60 years from now!"

George W bush: "Man Satan, your so right! Its like I am giving future generations a problem
to deal with that is so big that my name will be remembered forever."

Satan: "Hey that reminds me. Didnt you leave these guys with a surplus in 2000 when
you left office, Slick Willy?"

Bill Clinton: "Yeah yeah rub it in assholes. Your all just so lucky you didnt have an
impeachable scandal to deal with...

(IN WALKS OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH A 6 PACK OF BUD-LIGHT))

Osama Bin Laden: "WWAAAAASSSSSSSUUUPPPPPP!?!??"

Let's Bring Back Gladiator Fights

I fudging hate Dana White, if you don’t know who that is you’re lying. He’s that smut peddling cue ball who brought your kids and probably you, your favourite crap ever, UFC fighting. It’s that lame excuse for testosterone that takes place in the octagon of homosexuality where dudes in booty shorts role around in bodily fluids trying to apply leg locks, super weak and sort of erotic. Sometimes they punch each other in the nose for a bit and every douche bag in the stands goes wild and they all cheer, and someone told me THAT is what MMA is all about. Hmm, “So why don’t you just watch boxing or Cspan then“, I ask him. He’s about to answer the question but changes his train of thought suddenly and shouts “Oh shit, George St. Pierre has him in the male missionary leg lock!” This my friends is what is wrong with our society, our insatiable thirst for violence and the even scarier trend, dudes in booty shorts.
Fuck it, let’s bring it back. Coliseums full of rowdy drunk commoners needing to see blood and victory, swords and limbs hacked off in piles by the lions. That’s who we are and we love it. My bold statement is this, If we brought back gladiator fighting to the death, for all the masses to salivate over, we would not feel the need to kill each other in alleys or on battlefields and we sure as shit wouldn’t need to keep watching that pay-per-vomit UFC junk. Check it out, we get death-row inmates to “voluntarily” sign up for a training program loosely based on the one Russell Crow does in ‘Gladiator’ and we make them fight to the death once a month in Vegas or Detroit. All the weapons available two thousand years ago would be available to our trained rapists and murders (and by ‘our’ I mean, our American friends who would feed it to us through Global or CityTV) and we would surely line the outskirts of the fight with ravenous lions! That would satisfy the race fans who just watch to see accidents, the people who watch ‘Jackass’ movies, WWE fans, so basically every R-tard with a remote who hasn’t read a book since Andre the Giant was the champ. Not only that, murderers and rapists know from the start ‘hey if I rape and kill this chick, that 300 pound black dude from the Green Mile is gonna stick a sword into my stomach in front of 20,000 people at Joe Louis Arena’.
We have come along way since the Romans ruled the known world, Politicians were crooked and slutty, conquest and war was frequent and incomprehensible, there were few rich and many poor… Well maybe we haven’t come that far. I know for sure we need violence to entertain us just like then because as humans, we know nothing else. Competition is out shtick and the strong always survive longer, so we turn our intermittent attention spans to organized violence like UFC or Afghanistan to keep our primal passion civil. See to me, the global conflicts, the rape, gang killing, and GSP fights can all stop because nothing says unified in glory for the future like a good old fashioned disembowelment in front of the children.

Balack Obama

Well the last three months has been an absolute whirlwind of marinated media and cheesy sixties slogans, tasteless politics and graceful politics, oh the American Presidential elections. We saw history unravel in front of our eyes as the son of a Kenyan defeated his republican counterpart, a six hundred year old senator and was elected to the highest office in the most powerful country in the free world. The event instantly brought change to a stale nation and simultaneously changed the way the world viewed them as they made a statement with a true sign of the people’s will. But why do I care, I mean I am but a WHITE Canadian male right? What could possibly drive someone like me to care about this Barack hoopla other than the obvious foreign policy reasons? Because he’s black that’s why. And not only is he black, but he can organize the most unprecedented campaign in modern history and cross you over and drain a jump shot while you whence on the gym floor in pain and then , that‘s why.
So I was rummaging around in my dads basement closet where the real gems are hidden looking for his old Black Panthers leather vest and the weirdest thing happened, I couldn’t find it. Turns out, in the times of the Jack Kennedy’s and the El-Hajj Malik El-Shabbaz’s, the feeling of unified elevation was hardly a reality. We had our first Irish President and his little brother, and they had their fiery intellectual leaders and everything was ‘revolutionary’ and meaningful on two fronts. Sure there were the few who had like minds and wanted the exact same things, and I don’t want to generalize but, they wanted us to treat them like humans and we wanted Vietnam to stop… very simply put. Looking back some forty years later the two issues can sometimes merge into one collective description of the ‘revolutionary sixties’ and maybe for the better, but today’s ‘revolution’ is much different. On November Fourth 2008, America (53% of them, not so many as you might think, huh) came together as one to cast a ballot for change and proved the power still lays in the hands of the people. Although Blacks, Asians, Latinos and Whites unified and consciously made a statement by voting the most eligible candidate to office, is this one celebration we could never possibly understand? It’s hard to believe my cracker friends but yes, we will never truly understand how good this one actually feels.
It’s so cliché, ‘the first black president’ and that IS amazing but what does that mean to you and I? Well if I am white, it means I truly believe this is a great thing to see and I am proud of my neighbours to the south by not only electing the first black president, but electing the most eligible candidate this time, awesome. But if you are black, this is truly the most inspirational thing to ever happen while you walk this earth and that’s the truth. You may say, “you are being so narrow-minded, this is all of our triumph! You racist!”, first of all if you are not an American citizen, you didn’t do shit so shut up. You merely watched on CNN and hoped like the rest of us that Barack would get elected, and that’s it. Now, if you are a white American citizen you also did shit so you should also shut up, and I‘ll explain. For four hundred years excluding the last thirty years or so, you have had every single advantage possible over minorities and especially African-Americans, and even now you hold ninety-five percent of all advantages in the ‘Land of Opportunity‘. On my omnipotent television I see white people everywhere rejoicing in their self appointed greatness, yelling “We are amazing, we changed the world, YES WE CAN! U.S.A! U.S.A!” and it really grinds my gears. Sure Blacks only make up thirteen percent of the American population and obviously white people voted for him as well but shit! You (white Americans) merely threw a hungry, deserving dog his bone, and it only happened because the last eight years they had the most incompetent douche bag in Presidential history running the show. I am not just talking about American Presidential system history, I’m talking about all Presidential system history. Presidents of country clubs, of PTA’s, of auto companies, fucking everything. Oh yeah, and he was white.
Yes this is a huge triumph, yes Barack is a worthy candidate but slow down white America and let them have their moment , this is just one thing we cant fully have or understand. This is the Black revolution and they earned it. No more Bruce Springsteen endorsements now it’s Beyonce endorsements, times are a changing, and just in time for Black History month. So when I tell my kids about it and say I remember it, I was ‘there’ for it, I could never truly be where they were cause it meant so much more to them.

When I'm Sixty-Four

When Sir James Paul wrote the lyrics to arguably his most identifiable song, he envisioned what it might be like in those golden years we all work five decades to enjoy. Growing old with his soul mate (clearly not Heather Mills), losing hair and having snot nosed rug rats on his arthritic knees, what could be more divine? What could be more wonderful? Well apparently a whole lot more.
I was brought up to be respectful and courteous, especially to my elders. I always held doors open, I always used the word ‘sir’ and I always told my grandma I liked the sweater she got me, well not anymore. I have had it. Old people better keep their heads up and brooches on tight cause that door is gonna smack you in the dentures next time I m leaving the bank. So are you wondering what is this vendetta I have with the silver haired punks runnin around causin a muck?? A firm lack of respect.
Respect is mutual and it is the fibre that has upheld our ignorant societies since someone put a frame around a cave painting. It has kept raging armies at a distance, nuclear bombs from exploding over our heads from about 1960-1990 and won Ms. Aretha Franklin two Grammy’s in 1968, so why do we forget about it when we are old? For an age demographic that demands it every time you walk past them with an iPod in your ears, they seem to forget that mutual part.
I understand their argument “I m old, my legs hurt” or “World War One was strenuous”, but I want to know what the hell that has to do with blindly merging with traffic and grunting at cashiers in ANY establishment on earth. Seriously, have you ever been standing in line at a store and an old lady just walks in front of you like you weren’t even there? And then she gets to the register and bitch’s for 10 minutes about the chill she caught in the frozen food section AND then counts out $36.87 in nickels? It happened to me two days ago at Price Chopper! That’s border line heroin junkie, it makes me vomit and it needs to stop. (Seriously if a heroin junkie did what I just described, I would fight him and so would you)
This case of entitlement Betty White and her cronies feel they deserve is a complete pile of Depends, just because you are old it doesn’t make it acceptable to treat age subordinates as well, subordinates. Our civilization (not a Sid Meier’s reference) needs to be stoked with a healthy dose of uneasy ‘hello’s and forced smiles to be cordial, because we are better than that... and there s only enough space for one Toronto after all. And lets be serious anyways, entitlement is like the Canadian Pension Plan, it won’t be there when we’re sixty-four.
So this is my personal perspective and I am not afraid to say it anymore, old people stink. They can’t drive, the colors they wear are hazardous to passing motorists and they’re over simplistic look on life should be a speech bubble in a Norman Rockwell picture. I am done with them. Well almost done...GRANDMA: I’m gonna need that receipt next Christmas, your sweaters suck!